TL;DR: Silly Rules hijacked my life so I took the time to unearth Better Rules. The result? Alignment with myself and reality.
Talofa friends and Autumn/Spring blessings,
As I write the sky is clearing up after too much rain and strong wind gusts from Tropical Storm Helene. We are very lucky to just have puddles and broken tree branches with the power still on. In times when destruction and loss are prevalent, it's more apparent how incredibly wonderful the simple things are, like the warm yellow light from the lamp I’m sitting under and my cold cup of fizzy water in my favorite glass. As much as simplicity is a core value of mine, I realized that many of my thoughts and actions lately have been driving me away from embracing the simplicity of life. I’ve moved away from feeling like what I have is enough to asking whether what I have is good enough, which has left me spinning my wheels.
At work I coach farmers to make risk management decisions that help them grow their business with confidence. While doing some research I came across another farm coach who helps farmers identify “who in them is driving the bus” when they make decisions. He works with his clients to identify what internal bumper stickers or rules the farmer is living by that are impacting their business decisions, and as a result, their livelihood and quality of life. This made me think, geez, what are my internal bumper stickers that I am living my life by perhaps without realizing it?
Without thinking too much about it, I started to make a list of silly rules that I unintentionally follow. The first few came out easy: Be complimentary, please others, don’t take too much. But then it got harder, as if I had to literally unearth these rules from the dark corners of my body where they were hiding. I could feel something shift within me with each silly rule I found, like a tick being plucked from my arm pit.
After half an hour of tough reflection I had a full page of Silly Rules that have been driving my attitude, feelings, beliefs, and actions. Many of them without my permission! I categorized these Silly Rules and found that 90% of them were about performance— performing for others to gain approval, validation, and a sense of belonging and worth. The others were about fear and self-preservation. Reading the list again I felt exhausted and in a way disgusted. I do not want to spend my finite days performing for others. So how to change?
On a new page, I made a list of Better Rules:
Say what I know
Give with intention
Take what I need
Speak honestly
Help others
Observe reality
Be myself
When I categorized these Better Rules, they were all about alignment, curiosity, and acceptance. THIS is what I want instead— to move through my days aligned with my core values, being curious, and accepting of reality so that I can authentically and realistically align with other people, rather than performing for them. While this is easier to say and harder to do, this exercise helped me realize the problem of letting the Silly Rules drive the bus. When Silly Rules are in charge I’m less myself and more dependent on others to know who I am (am I good enough?). When the Better Rules guide the way, there is no performing— there’s just being (I am enough). Esse quam videri, as the North Carolina state motto goes, to be rather than to seem.
Living by Better Rules takes practice, so my goal is to make space to check in with myself whenever I’m planning or in the midst of doing something, asking:
Am I performing?
Am I aligned with my values?
What are your Silly Rules? Can you envision Better Rules to enrich your days ahead?
Whatever your rules are, may they add to your life.
With Alofa,
~Eva
Wild Geese
“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves…” - Mary Oliver
This gorgeous liberating poem by the late, great, queer, environmentalist and American poet Mary Oliver is an invitation that has touched the hearts of many since its publication in 1986.
That first line, You do not have to be good, pierces through societal expectations. Cutting past the performance. Whatever “good” is, Mary says, you don’t have to be it, instead inviting us back into our animal selves.
Silly Rule: Be good.
Better Rule: Love what you love.
I’ve had fun using the framework of Mary’s stanza above to reframe some of the situations I’ve found myself in because of silly rules. When we can play with a situation, it’s an empowering way of cutting loose its control over us.
Here are a couple of my poetic reframes, and if you want to play along, share one of yours in the comments below!
Chasing Wild Geese
1: The house has to be deep cleaned for people to come over
“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to clean the entire house before guests come over,
to catch up and break bread with you.
You only have to make a cozy space for them to feel comfortable,
letting the fear of being judged float away.”
2: Make more money to be happier
“You do not have to be good,
You do not have to make a lot of money
to buy everything you could ever want.
You only have to earn enough to cover your needs,
and give yourself the space to know what they are.”
Bits and bobs
Our presence matters to nature - Back in 2016 I completed Permaculture Design Certification with Whole Systems Design in Vermont. Ben Falk was our main instructor and I continue to follow and learn from his work. In this podcast, he shares reflections as a regenerative land site manager for 20+ years. I loved his reminder that our presence matters to nature in the same way our presence matters to a friend we’re speaking with. The trees and flowers can also tell when we’re distracted and when we’re present.
Lunch before dinner - We’ve been working on having smaller meals in the evenings to improve sleep. A tip I learned from Ayurvedic health counselor Brittni Gorman is to enjoy the ritual of cooking dinner, but plate the next day’s lunch first. Then have the remaining smaller portion for dinner. This has improved evening digestion and also saved time the next day when a home-cooked lunch is already prepared!
A punny funny for a rainy day - Where do bad rainbows go?… To prism. It’s a light sentence where they have time to reflect.